Laptop fried

2004-12-14 - 12:02 p.m.

So, I suspect that my laptop is screwed, because upon starting, the fan makes funny grinding noises, then stops, and then the whole thing freezes. The warranty ran out two months ago, and I have no money to get it fixed (or even checked out), because I have no job. Lucky for me I have all of my resume and cover letter stuff all written up, on my friggin' laptop!

It's not that bad, because Pookie still has his computer, so I've hooked the internet back up to that, and I have a hard copy of my resume that's poorly formatted but has all the information, so I don't need to re-write that whole thing. I was sick of my standard cover letter anyway.

In other news, my internet provider has "partnered" with Yahoo!, so it's discontinuing its free web space and providing yahoo geocities webspace instead, which would be fine except that now any webpage I put up will have stupid ads and pop-ups.

I've had two minor anxiety dreams in the last week. One was because Pookie has had a cold: I dreamed he had the Superflu (a la Stephen King's The Stand), so I had to phone Blind Merv (Halloooo! I think I owe you an email! Hope all is well with ya, Merv ol' buddy) to warn her, because she was the only person I could think of who might benefit from advance warning of a killer plague, just because I know she's read The Stand just as faithfully as I have (more?) and would know not to go to Las Vegas.

I had the second anxiety dream last night. I was at a party and there were some miscellaneous people from my old job, not from my department, who finally asked me why I left. I boldly said it was because my old supervisors were bad people and so on, and while the people seemed sympathetic, I knew that they couldn't believe that those wonderful people could have ever done anything awful. In the dream, I was dismissed as crazy.

Which is a pretty close description of my major anxieties lately. As most of you know, I have questions about how others perceive me and the impression I leave on the world. The other night I was thinking about why, and I know part of it is from when my mom decided to get involved in politics.

My mom and I have similar temperments, in that we both have fierce tempers, and we can both seem like angry people. My mom's mellowed a lot over the years (or maybe that's just because I don't live with her), but she's had time to build a reputation. When she first ran for her seat (for the NDP), I found out that some members of the NDP youth group were saying that my mom had to take anti-psychotic medication, which isn't true at all. Recently, a few years later, I was doing an internet search for my mom and stumbled onto a message board thread where a bunch of people were saying awful (and untrue) things about her. I don't think I've told mom about either of those moments, but I'm sure she must have some idea of how some others see her.

Those comments didn't represent the majority of people, mainly because anyone who knows mom knows that she's actually a very kind-hearted and sensitive person. Most times that she has lost her temper has been because she perceived an injustice, either against her or someone she cared about. She could get shrill when she was in office, especially when she was arguing for the downtrodden, and she's burned some bridges with old employers, mainly because she felt they were sexist old media men who didn't promote women they weren't related to.

She hasn't stopped working for the things she believes in (I have word that she's considered the brain of her class where she's working toward becoming a United Church minister), and one of the lessons that I've learned is that people will talk about you, especially if you want to change things, but it's more important to keep trying. Because of the obstacles my mom has faced, I think she's one of the strongest and most compassionate people I know. Even when we disagree, I never doubt that her opinions come from a place of caring for others, and I love her for that.

The other lesson I've learned, though, is that people will talk. My mom's had a lot of doors closed to her because of some of those rumours. I'm pretty sure that some part of her three years of unemployment after losing her seat is because of the bad blood going on around her. I've learned that what other people say and think about someone can have an impact on their life, even if they don't know it. I've also learned that people will believe (or at least spread) anything, regardless of if it's true or not.

I'm not sure if the rest of the world works like this or not, but the worlds of media and politics are very small: one rumour can circulate an entire community in seconds. The gay community can be small, too, and I worked for a gay publisher. Every time I talk with someone about my reasons for leaving, I wonder how much influence my old supervisor had, or whether the owner of the company has already labeled me a crank for the twenty minutes he "wasted" listening to me complain about her. I'm not conceited enough to think that there are rumours about me floating around out there in the wider world, but as I get to know more people in the community (which I've been doing at an amazing rate since joining gay rugby), I keep feeling like it's only a matter of time before someone tells a friend about "Crazy Magus", and then I've lost a job interview, or a possible friend, or something relatively small but of crucial importance to my life.

I saw a lot of people dismiss my mom out of hand when she had important things to say, and it frustrates me to know that I can be dismissed just as easily.

Finding out that my joke to the rugby guys backfired has had me in an emotional tailspin, even though it's no big deal. I have no sense of perspective on this. It feels like freefall.

I've been out of a job for two months now, and I know that I haven't been doing everything I could or should have to find a new one. My relationship with dad is strained, in part because he's a miser who thinks that he still has to teach me about responsibility. I'm living with my ex in an imperfect situation in an apartment too small for both of us, and I haven't been to the gym in months. Everyone around me is having a hard time, too, so I can't really whine and bitch to them. And now my laptop - which would have let me use the internet in privacy without taking away from Pookie's computing needs - is broken.

I'm not feeling miserable or anything, but it feels like I'm just waiting for the sky to fall.

Tomorrow I give up my lofty goals of not working in a fast food restaraunt.

Cheers,

The Magus

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