Christmas Cheer

2004-12-20 - 7:59 p.m.

So, tonight I just finished my first ever Christmas card list. It's a part of my "pretend you've been socialized like a human being so that no one suspects you're really crazy" initiative. Also, it's because I think my dad has in his mind a series of tests that I need to pass in order for him to help me out financially. There's no way in hell I'll write him a card and then not do it for the other people in my life who matter to me, and so 7 other cards are going out to old friends and family. This Christmas, I'm 1 part caring human being and 2 parts cynical curmudgeon.

In other news, I filled out an application for government assistance, which is okay. I'd rather a job, but I'd also rather pay rent. The biggest problem is that this is something I should have done when I first left my old workplace, so I might get refused for leaving it too long. The other obstacle was that the form asked a lot of questions about why I left, and I decided to be honest about it. My fear is that something I said about my former employers might require action or something on the part of the government and I'll have started up some sort of social justice machine that I don't really want to be on right now. As I was answering the questions and dealing with that relatively irrational fear I realised that in general I tend to play down what happened. I mean, my emotional state in regards to why I left is pretty close to someone's who left an abusive environment. My tendancy is to try to soft-pedal it in conversation, to sound "diplomatic", but when I do that, people look at me like I left over a simple disagreement and not because of unacceptable behavior.

Thing is, even unemployed and uncertain about my future, there's no way that I'd willingly go back into that environment. I still sometimes fantasize about telling my supervisor off. It'll never happen, and if it did it would probably go terribly for me, because I'm not terribly eloquent when speaking, but I still chew it over in my mind every now and then.

Anyway, this week is about letting stress slip away. I'll worry in 2005. It may sound like a careless strategy, but in a lot of ways, it's like emotional triage.

Cheers,

The Magus

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