Sign My Guestbook!powered by SignMyGuestbook.com Random Magey Goodness
I Have Agoraphobia! See my Agoraphobia!
Tenacious D Rocks.
Climbing out
2004-08-05 - 8:27 a.m.
Urgh. I hate feeling like doing the dishes is a giant chore, or, say, going outside to buy food (it would be less of a chore if I had more than $20 to feed me until pay day...Pookie's loaning me some cash, and I'm thankful, but I wish I could support myself all the time).
In general, though, I'm starting to pull myself out, I think. I've started writing emails to people (okay, one), and I'll answer the phone sometimes now.
Still, I'm pursued by this nagging "what's the point?" feeling. Why bother crawling out of this hole? I probably need to at least keep myself - for survival reasons - from slipping further in, but why work to get myself out? Why not wallow?
Meh. The best reason I can think of is that wallowing isn't fun for me right now. I want to be able to enjoy myself a bit more. I want to be writiong, and job hunting, and working to make my life better. I'm telling you, this impossible dream that I might one day be doing what I want to do while simultaniously being able to pay bills and buy the ocassional luxury (like seeing a movie, in an actual theatre) is sometimes the only thing I've got. I just want a quiet, stable life that I can be proud of. And there's no sign that that life is going to happen without effort. Sigh.
Anyway, I guess it hasn't been all bad the last couple of weeks (though I'm going to continue with the assertion that 2004 had no July worth mentioning). I finally got curtains for my apartment, and with a teensy bit of furniture rearrangement the place actually looks like a home now. It's impossible to describe the change, but everyone's noticed. The flow of the apartment, the colours all work together, there's a unity in the room's decor. I'm going for a "quiet glen deep in an ancient forest" sort of look (humour me), so lots of greens and natural (faux) woods, and a few colours here and there. Now, I just need a good livingroom chair (my computer chair is doing double-duty) and a coffee table and I will, for the first time in my life, be ready to throw or give furniture away because it doesn't match.
Cheers,
The Magus
