Kept Awake

2004-07-11 - 9:22 p.m.

Can't sleep right now. I'm thinking about work, which is the only thing that does keep me up at night.

The atmosphere was weird on Friday, the same kind of weird that precedes someone leaving permanently, and I guess it's that atmosphere that's followed me here, to Sunday.

I just keep going over how work is worse than it was when I started, how the things we used to have have been slowly taken away. How we do more work than we've ever had to do before, how the perks keep getting smaller. I'd bring this up if I trusted the supervisors, but I feel like they would tell me, as they've told me before, that I have a choice not to work there. They'd also tell me that it's still a great place to work, and if I think I can find better, I'm welcome to leave.

It just feels wrong somehow. Why do things have to get steadily worse? That's not how life is, or how it should be for thinking and feeling people. There will always be bad stuff, and I accept that, but I can't accept the bad stuff always getting more, larger, deeper. Steady decay is not what I want in a workplace.

There's a really good chance that nothing of importance will happen tomorrow. The co-worker who has currently pissed off the head cheeses will just have a stern talking-to (for daring to call in sick two days after having her wisdom teeth out), and the weirdness will blow over and it'll be back to the daily grind.

But what do I do if it doesn't happen that way? What if I feel compelled to say something?

I can't really afford to stand up for dignity, mine or anyone else's, but I'm not sure I can be a whole person if I don't.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be the one getting fired by surprise, for talking so candidly about work here (it's happened before: 4 people fired at once for their diaryland journals). Maybe this choice will be taken from me.

I almost hope so (not completely: I have cats who depend on me, I have rent to pay, I have a future to build) because then I'll be able to be honest. Honesty is more my element.

I think tonight's going to be one of those nights where this agnostic actually prays. For things to work out for everybody.

Sorry for the melodrama and the poor writing. This is more to put myself to sleep than anything else.

Cheers,

The Magus

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