Phobic

2004-03-14 - 6:53 p.m.

So, social event (roleplaying with the dungeons and the dragons), and now, keeping in the spirit of the weekend, I'm feeling like a total loser who will never make friends and who would do better to sit quietly and never try to talk to anyone, because surely everybody there must think I'm weird and icky. I didn't really do anything that might make them think I'm icky...I just feel like I did.

Did I tell too many jokes? Maybe I was a little disruptive. Or did I accidently offend someone? Maybe I smell or something.

I wish hanging out with people wasn't so exhausting...I wish I could just enter a room, trade witty repartee, and leave without any regrets (doesn't everyone wish that?).

I had a good time, and I'm looking forward to next week, but I'm just not at that comfort level yet where I feel I can relax with them.

And I kept seeing or imagining that the crush (who might not be there next time - he's going to Brazil) was looking at me, so I kept self-consciously avoiding his gaze. But to make sure that I didn't seem too obviously smitten, I avoided meeting anyone else's gaze, except for those moments when it felt like I wasn't looking at other people enough, and that's when I would look people in the eye, if they were talking, for a precise amount of time, before looking away. Argh. Je suis screwed in the head.

Anyway, I'm dreading work tomorrow, which makes me wonder if this hermit-y phase is somehow worse than usual, because I should have snapped out of it by now, right?

I'm going to go to bed early tonight, and hopefully the cats won't keep me up all night, and maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.

Now, after this solid, and unearned whine (because, really, aside from my mental state, things are probably the best they've ever been for a long while), I'd like to thank solitus for the gold membership...it's the first time I've ever gotten anything from anyone online. I hope that, one day, I can return the favour.

Cheers,

The Magus

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