Creating Obstacles

2004-03-03 - 9:59 a.m.

It seems like I'm going to have to actually work to do well in my current editing class. It's a good thing, because, really, good learning should take some effort...still, I hate having to try at school. Poor me.

That seems to be the largest of my problems. That, and prioritizing life, except that I seem to be getting pretty good at that, too.

Oh, and the occassional bout with the monkey I kicked off my back.

Last night, walking home from class, I was struck with a really strong desire to drink. I had $30 in my pocket, money that had to go to groceries, and when the temptation to just go into a bar and drink a draught of beer hit me, I could almost taste it. It was the worst craving for drink that I've had in a while. I actually slowed outside of some random sports bar and looked (longingly!) inside. Sunday was my five months anniversary.

While I was fighting off the craving, I sort of thought about other strategies that I'd employed in the past to quit drinking or smoking, and I realised that I have, somehow, developed some effective strategies.

Whenever I failed at quitting something, it seems that it was because I relied on physical obstacles: having no money, waiting until the liquor store/smoke shop was closed, living too far away. The problem with relying only on that, though, is that as soon as the obstacle is removed (paycheque, the store opens, I'm in the neighbourhood), it's really easy for me to cave in.

I'm at a point where I seem to have some pretty strong mental blocks set up, now, and they work much better, because, while my conviction may vary in strength, I always have my mind with me. I have that mental wall that goes up when I want a drink. The cravings try to scale the wall, but there's a permanent safe-guard that I take with me.

What's been working for me is the fact that I've admitted, at least to myself, that I'm not a responsible drinker and that I will likely never be a responsible drinker. In that regard, I've stopped deceiving myself...and while I might be good at self-deception, once the deceit is revealed I'm really lousy at ignoring it. I know that taking a drink, any drink, would be a solely self-destructive act, it would be harming myself, no less than if I took a razor to myself. So long as I'm more or less stable, I'm able to admit that the cravings are really self-destructive impulses and that somehow makes it easier to resist.

Of course, if I ever stop being more or less stable, I may have to find some other strategies, which is a scary thought, because I think I'm all out.

Cheers,

The Magus

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