Abstinance

2004-01-07 - 11:19 p.m.

So last night I managed to combine a drinking dream with a dating dream, both of which are activities that I have no desire to engage in for a little while.

It also occured to me that giving up an addiction is a little like trying to build a dam with no plans or experience. Especially if you're trying to give up the addiction without a support network, you have to place the mental barriers and supports where you think they'll be most useful, knowing that even a little crack could cause the whole thing to burst, flooding the tiny village below and drowning all its inhabitants, including Mrs. Kasprak's third grade class who were outside on the first day of spring to explore the ecosystem of the neighbouring wild field, which Mr. Henderson has let lie fallow for forty years, beneath tons of icy-cold glacial water.

I think, physiologically, giving up smoking was the most difficult for me, mainly because of the actual, physical addiction part of things, but I think that maybe psychologically giving up drinking, long-term, will be the tougher of the two.

When I told people that I was quitting smoking, I would be met, most often, with encouragement. Even smokers would suddenly become more sensitive, butting out their cigarettes if they thought it might be too tempting. People asked me how I was doing, congratulated me, and even demonstrated good-natured astonishment that I'd been able to do it cold-turkey. Sure, there were two or three folks who, whether knowing it or not, said or did things that could have sabotaged my efforts, but most folks were interested in helping.

When I tell people that I've quit drinking, I get a different reaction. Some people are supportive, but others act as if I've decided to break an established social convention - which I suppose I have. I've had people try to encourage me to drink, I've had people disapprove of giving up alcohol forever, people look at me, sometimes, like I'm crazy. Whereas I was proud of my quitting smoking attempts, I sometimes feel like I ought to soft-pedal my choice to stop drinking (I haven't yet said that "I'm allergic" but I can feel that excuse lurking in the corners of my twisted, depraved mind).

I can totally see why people join groups like AA, if only to be in an environment that will provide the encouragement and support that are usually essential to quitting any sort of addiction. I'm pretty sure that I have all the support that I'll need, that I don't really need to worry about drinking again (drinking dreams or not), unless/until I fall into another self-destructive/depressive phase, but it is sort of odd to feel on the outside of society like this. It's like when I gave up eating meat (which, alas, I've been eating quite a bit of lately...). What is it about people that we're so resistant to difference, that when someone gives up a vice we resent that attempt?

I'm not innocent of this...I know that when I did drink, I prefered not to hang out with non-drinkers. I don't think I liked how, after a few drinks, they would have a cognitive advantage over me, that I was willingly choosing to incapacitate my ability to think, while they were staying as alert as ever. It wasn't that I was afraid of being taken advantage of, but maybe of being ashamed. I didn't like the idea that I might do something stupid, and they would remember every detail of it. That never really stopped me from drinking, though.

Now, on the other side of things, I'm finding that I don't like being sober with people who've had too much to drink. I enjoy going out with people while they have a few beers, but I think I'm going to want to leave before they start to get a little nonsensical. I'm still smoking pot (reasons: I have never flown into a rage while stoned, nor have I almost lost a friend, nor have I ever woken up the next day and had a sense of dread that I had something to regret but I couldn't remember what it was), and I think that helps a little, but even so, I'd rather be stoned by myself or else in a room with other people who are stoned.

Anyway, I guess I don't really have a point...I just wanted to blather about not drinking and get some thoughts down and stuff. I've been feeling a little more connected with the world lately, so the much-promised political-type entry may be coming soon. At any rate, I have some thoughts on non-violence that I'm percolating.

Cheers,

The Magus

previous - next