Another long, meaningless entry.

2003-10-29 - 5:41 a.m.

(Hi! The Magus here, travelling from the future where I just finished writing this entry. I came to the past - to the moments before I even started to write this, in fact - to warn you folks that this entry is actually kind of long, rambling, and gets kind of maudlin towards the end. I just wanted folks to know that even though, a few minutes from now, I will write something like "Short entry, just to let people know I'm alive", that sentence will be a lie. With luck, I have not disturbed the timeline by doing this, but you had to know. I shall now return to my own time, where I am having a blast.)

Short entry, mainly to alert folks to the fact that I am still alive.

I keep planning to write a journal entry or two on my laptop, especially now that the home computer is being repaired, but everytime I go to write, I either get distracted or just lose heart.

It's been over 4 weeks since I last had an alcoholic beverage, which is an accomplishment for me, a big deal. Advantages of that include:

No unexpected holes in my memory

No moments where I say something really stupid and offensive without realizing it (I'm still stupid and offensive at times, I just tend to be aware of it more)

More money (not really, because I'm still poor, but I have a new laptop and a season of My So-Called Life on DVD that say I'm less poor than I might have been).

No more empty calories (except for in the massive amounts of pizza I've been eating.)

No crazy diaryland entries that serve no real purpose other than to mortify me (which, to the faithful reader, may not be an advantage. But consider this: while you are reading this entry, I am likely holding my head high, confident that I have put out quality ramblings, the highest caliber of verbal diarrhea I am capable of spewing out. Nothing but quality tripe for you, oh loyal readers.)

I haven't really wanted to drink very much, either. I'm sure that this can change - it feels like such a shaky resolve. In fact, "resolve" isn't even the right word: my not drinking thoughts are mixed in with other thoughts, questions about why I am giving up drinking, whether it's really necessary, considerations of potential situations where I might want to drink and could possibly not drink to excess...

Honestly, it's such a mess in my head right now. It's not a bad mess, if that makes any sense. It's making it hard for me to really think about anything beyond myself, which is why my whole activism theme has completely disappeared lately. It's why I don't have any uplifting stories about the people I see in my day-to-day life. It's why this entry was supposed to be short and is not.

I need to try to get some affairs in order, to find an apartment, to start seeing a therapist (which is the only way I'm going to be able to straighten out the Pookie stuff, I realized tonight. I need to be able to articulate my fears and questions about the great big "What Next?" I need someone to tell me why I feel, almost constantly, that I've made some horrible, horrible mistake (of course this feeling won't tell me which mistake it was...). I think I need some stranger, some unbiased professional to let me know that it's okay that I'm terrified at having to trade one life for another, one set of goals for another...all at once.)

And all of that needed a paragraph, not a parenthesis.

Obviously, if you try to tap The Magus' brain tonight, you will get a bucket of unrelated slop. Sigh.

Tomorrow, I will shine like the precious star I am, and not sleep all day like I really want to.

Cheers,

The Magus

PS: Blind Merv, you are completely forgiven...we'll just get in touch and reschedule.

previous - next