Whining in a happy way, almost.

2003-03-28 - 11:13 a.m.

And I am in a better mood and the only thing that's bugging me about it is that there's no way I want my supervisors to think that my "attitude" at work has improved because of the review. And it has, too...spring has sprung, etc and I'm suddenly tempted to start writing all those encouraging/happy/goofy emails to everyone again.

I still haven't read the transcript/summary of the review beyond the first page. I'm utterly terrified of it. I'm expecting it to sound completely reasonable and rational and yet somehow indicting me as a crazy, unbalanced lunatic (who knows how to spell - and pronounce- "indicting" ... I'm really tired, work with me here.). I have no clue how to respond...I want to stick to my guns, so to speak, because I feel I was wronged...that workplace isn't a nice place for me anymore. Any good that I have there is good that I'm bringing from home, it's borrowed contentment. If I have another bad period where I hate the world, that place will be the first to suffer. I feel, in a word, betrayed.

And at the same time everything else is feeling good...I've practically been a domestic god the last few days, pulling my weight around the house which is something I could barely even come close to a few weeks ago. I'm feeling smart, sharp, I'm thinking about things, I'm holding my metaphorical head high, looking towards the horizon instead of trudging along with my eyes focused no further than my next step...

I've started swimming at the Y, in addition to keeping up with the excercise, I'm down two pants sizes (from 44 inches to about 40 now), my energy is up, my years as a smoker are fading into history, I'm ready to write some more, and I feel like it will be something better than the sludge I've been working through...

And there's that stupid, awful review.

Well, enough whining...I did that all winter. It's time for action, I think. Time to work on accentuating the postive and all that. If I'm going to be in a good general mood, I might as well use it.

Cheers,

The Magus

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