Coffee Talk

2002-10-30 - 6:59 a.m.

The other day I had to stop thinking. I just had to. I started up again later, but there was something so dire, so disturbing that I just had to stop all thought processes until I could be sure that any and all hints of the vile idea was gone from my system. Luckily no one noticed.

I was thinking about coffee. More specifically, I was thinking about not drinking it for a while. Perhaps not drinking it -forever-.

I'm not particularly attached to coffee...or at least not on an emotional level. I like the smell of it in the morning, sure, but the last time we dusted off the coffee machine at home and used it was months ago. It's been instant ever since, and that just doesn't smell the same.

There's the smallest, teensiest, itty-bitsiest chance that there may be a physical -want- (not need, certainly not a need) for coffee, and this is why I was thinking about going off it. I don't have a -problem- per se, but I remember that just over a year ago I was happily trucking along with my midnight shifts with no need of any caffeine. Then, one night I had had less sleep than I was used to, I had a mug, got a buzz, and was hooked. Now I can't make it past 4 hours without a cup o' java.

So, I was idly tossing the idea around when I noticed a disturbing trend. It started out slow: in high school I gave up meat (with the occasional transgression) for enviro-socio-political reasons. Then, a bit after high school, I got a job. A year passed and then I moved out, didn't pay bills, tried very hard to not pay rent, partied a bit too much...nothing out of the ordinary, right? I even took up smoking at around the same time, just for kicks.

Time passed, I met Pookie, and then suddenly I decided to move to Toronto. Fair enough, right?

So, I move to Toronto, and after a month of looking find a job better than my old one. And then things start to get scary.

A year ago I quit smoking, and haven't picked it up again since. 3 months ago I started going to the gym regularly, and haven't stopped. 2 and a half weeks ago I set up a savings account, and haven't even -touched- the money inside. In fact, I'll be adding more this week. Then, 10 days ago Pookie and I gave up drinking, and I'm starting to realise that I may not touch alcohol again for a long, long time. And now? Now I'm thinking about quitting coffee?

What the fuck is happening to me?

I mean, one or two of those things isn't weird: it's just making a change for the better. I can usually make up for it by living excessively in another way. But this...this is too much. This is weird. This is like Invasion of the Pod People, except in this movie the Pod people are all responsible and grownup and stuff instead of just wandering around mindlessly uttering "Brains..." to any non-pod person.

So now I have to wonder: how important -is- coffee to me? If I give it up, is there something wrong with that? What if people start looking at me funny whenever I order decaf?

The thing is, I'm tentatively happy with who I'm becoming. I hope that I can hold true to more resolutions, accomplish more stuff like all the things I've done, especially in the last year. Anxiety issues aside, I like feeling like a responsible person...

I'm just worried about how -easy- it seems from this side of things. Before I started any of them, they seemed like monumental tasks, chores I undertook with a healthy dose of pessimism. If someone had told me, two years ago, that I'd be where I am now, I'd be really suspicious.

And maybe some of my anxiety and down mood lately is in part a fear that it will all go wrong somehow. 10 days isn't very long, 3 months is hardly a life change, I've gone through savings before...I still get cravings for a cigarette (though now those cravings are fairly distant, with no bite at all). Is this what responsible life will be: me balancing all these accomplishments, always afraid I'll slip? Or does it become ingrained? Is there a Magus down the road who doesn't need to think twice about depositting 10% of his pay into a savings account? Who sits resolutely at the keyboard each day to pound out fiction? Who misses a gym day as often as he misses eating for a week?

Bah. I'll probably be nervous and anxious my whole life. I just hope I can be a nervous socially aware millionaire.

Cheers,

The Magus

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