Why I'm here.

2002-10-15 - 10:32 a.m.

Why do I write here?

The easiest answer, and the one that's most fulfilling to me, is because a lot of how I process the world is done through words. Writing is the easiest, and sometimes most effective way for me to figure things out, to reflect on things. I can try out new ideas or examine old ones, I can play with words and thoughts at the same time, or I can solemnly let out feelings and fears and aggravations, let them into the world.

But why do I write -here-? Why an online diary, one that just anyone can read? One that both strangers and people I know will read?

Now that's more complicated. I write on a computer because sometimes my pen is too slow, the keyboard is the only thing that can keep up with my quickest thoughts, the only way I can come close to putting pure thought to paper. The pen allows for editting, and that's what I do with it: revision is done by hand, creation is done by the magic of the modern age.

But...why online? Where people I know might get hurt, where all my dirty laundry is there to be seen, where -other peoples'- dirty laundry can be seen?

Part of it is honesty...it's easier for me, sometimes, to lie to myself than to lie to other people. Even pixelated figments like most of you can keep me from burying the truth under what I already know.

Part of it is clarity...I think in my own version of short-hand, as I'm sure most of you do, too. I know what I've experienced, and so too often I skip over the old stuff to get to the new, I don't put the context into writing and so I lose some of the essence of what I was trying to get down. If I have to explain at least some of the backstory to someone else, I'm also explaining the backstory to myself, I'm reframing it, giving it new life if only to present it to someone else. By telling, by wholly telling it listener and all, I'm forced to tell the whole story, and that gives me a better grasp on what I thought I knew.

Probably the least of the answers is that it keeps me writing...There are people who expect me to add to this diary (amorphous omniscient being knows why), and that expectation helps to keep me at the keyboard. I have a feeling that so long as words are coming out of me, I'll still be able to create a story when the time comes. Since this site is just about the only real writing I'm doing now it's almost become crucial for keeping some doors open.

Fine. But Why do I have to keep putting in so much? Why the personal stuff, why the stories about people I know, the good and the bad?

I once read an essay about online journaling, that said that you should NOT start an online journal if you hope to keep it secret. A golden rule of journaling, it said, was that whoever you most -don't- want to read your diary -will- read your diary. Feelings will get hurt, relationships will be damaged or lost, you'll come out not as a wronged hero, but as the villian in the story.

I've kept that in mind most of the time while writing, aware of it even if not heeding it.

Why do I include so much? Because this isn't some sort of spectacle I'm creating for people. The writing is completely different in style and tone than something I would write strictly for entertainment. This journal is in part an exploration of myself, a way to express things, but also to look at my beliefs wholly and completely. I want to present my beliefs not as a series of ideas, but as whole beliefs, ways of thinking that develop not in a vacuum, but by living my life. My activism stems not from reading books and articles but from the people I know and see on the street, by their experiences and how their experiences affect me.

To offset the balance, I try to be as honest as possible, and when I'm not being unbalanced or angry, I try to keep my stories about them portrayed in a positive light. I think that if you read the bulk of my entries, there's a continuity here, and I don't think that I've treated anyone unfairly.

If I have, I also decided early on that my diary would not be kept secret. Anyone who's been mentioned in here, who also knows me, knows that I sometimes write about them and their experiences. Maybe the poinsetta is a little confused, but that's his problem. I may not update the subjects of my writings every moment that they're in here, and there have been times when I've hoped for entries to get buried and forgotten, especially when I've been less than generous, but I have never liked the idea of a private or secret journal, and I still don't like the idea of a private or secret journal. I'm going to prosper or perish as the whole, unadulterated me, for good or ill.

I still get frightened when I write some entries, I still cringe when I look at my site meter and see that someone's read a drunken entry that possibly wasn't the most eloquent piece of journaling, I still worry about what I'm putting into the world, and maybe one day I'll decide it isn't worth it.

Right now, though, all the reasons above add up to something I can't get rid of yet, something that I think is a positive force in my life, something that right now is crucial to my development as a human being, as a person.

I hope that answers some of your questions. I hope it answered some of mine.

Cheers,

The Magus

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