Habit

2002-10-17 - 12:30 a.m.

You may have noticed (especially if you were here when it appeared) that I'm a member of the "agoraphobia" d-land ring. I didn't spell it, but rest assured it either means I'm afraid of crowds/open spaces or angora sweaters. I think it's the first one.

I'm a functional agorophobe, if I can even use that word. I can go long, long stretches of time without having anxiety, or moments of panic and avoidance, and then I can go through periods where everything is just a little too threatening...I'm sort of at that point now.

But what's my secret? How do I manage to walk to work each day, take the subway home each morning, go to the gym and talk with co-workers?

Habit.

This is my way of dealing with a world that I sometimes feel completely ill-equipped to handle. I do the same things, rarely altering my pattern. I walk the same way to work, I use the same locker-area in the gym, I stay in the same neighbourhood. Anything that changes in these rituals - an unfamiliar group of people, road construction - throws me off, returns me to a point of minor anxiety.

Somehow, I've managed to reduce the city of Toronto to a manageable size. The neighbourhood we live in almost feels like the suburbs, and until a couple of weeks ago I was not letting myself be aware that we are still in the heart of the city. One block North is a commercial-style street: fast food, grocery store complexes, people walking, standing, shopping, eating...On level fascinating, on the other eerily disturbing.

Habit lets me get through life, lets me function. I can feel comfortable getting the stuff done that I need to, it lets me handle necessary responsibilities like work.

Unfortunately it also means that I end up procrastinating. Pookie and I are supposed to go get my health card soon...a year later than I was supposed to. I need to get my hair trimmed, something I've also put off for over a year. I need to go to an office to get some of my tax forms so I can finally file for 2001 and eventually be eligeable for health benefits here at work. Those are things that require a break from the usual, thingsthat mean I have to go out into the world, leave my comfortable well-worn path. The tax stuff and health card are hugely important - what if an emergency or health crises comes up? What if I have $1000 in tax refunds waiting? But I will do everything possible to put them off.

The seasons are changing, and so my habits are being affected. I've been anxious for the past couple of weeks, domestic issues notwithstanding, and it'll only get worse. I need a blanket to crawl under, please.

Cheers,

The Magus

Addition: Pookie and I had a talk...we're going to work at things...we both feel that 4 years of good history is valuable and that if we can have a -healthy- relationship from now on we'll both be better off.

Addendum to last entry: I did not mention, and maybe should have, that after all those reasons I still have to remember that it's -people- that I hurt. All the ideas, theories, explanations in the world can't be more important than a person. All of my activism has at its core a genuine desire to give all people some level of dignity and justice. I hope that that is at the core of me, and if it isn't it is something that I hope I am working towards. I will hurt people with my words, but I must be aware of the human consequences and take action based on that, not based on lesser values.

previous - next