How Plague has Affected Me

2002-08-30 - 1:14 p.m.

So, I'm watching a movie that I remember seeing first air. "Quiet Killer." And just about fifteen minutes into it, I notice that everyone in it looks like they were stuck in a time warp.

The movie is about the bubonic plague coming to New York, a part of the mid-90s plague-fascination. I was a huge fan of the idea of a plague wiping out a lot of people and leaving some folks (well, -me- and some folks) to recreate society. I read Stephen King's "The Stand," way back in 1991-or-so (there's a story about that, by the by), and was fascinated by the first part, the part where the plague spreads so quickly. I've always been fascinated with the plague-spreading part.

Anyway, the movie, that I made an effort to see first-run (it was made-for-tv), I remember was really interesting until the last hour or so: when the plague really stopped spreading, when you realise it really will be alright, when there can only be another 50 or 60 victims -tops-, as opposed to the world ending. Then the movie dealt with people sort-of facing death.

The theme works for me (I saw Outbreak in the theatre) just until a little after the quarantine is successful. Back when I was a revolutionary, back when some people from that old BBS, Paradise Lost, and I were toying with an activists' television show, I had a whole section/segment on biological plague and our ravaging of the environment...

This movie was made in 1992. I was 15. That was 10 years ago.

I don't feel the same way about biological plague. In some ways, my feeling that that's the best hope our species has for survival, at least morally, still kinda lingers. But I also don't relish the loss of life, of stories.

I've changed so much in 10 years. I'm not the same person. And my interest in pandemics and episdemics relfects that.

This is one of those few times that I actually feel -old-.

This is one of those few times where I have to look at myself and ask, Am I the person I wanted to be 5, 10, 15 years ago? Am I a good person by those standards? Am I a man, by the definition I have set for myself? Am I even close?

Bah. I really need to stop watching made-for-tv-movies, if only to prevent mid-30s angst.

Cheers,

The Magus

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