Going Home, Remembering.

2002-07-31 - 9:08 p.m.

And for my likely last entry before Halifax, let me just say:

I plan to see Signs now strictly for Joaquin Pheonix who is a -cutie-! How come no one told me he was that cute? He is now in Sean Astin territory!

I also have to let stuff go. I realised today that I'm still upset at two very old hurts. The first is how prosperous my dad is, while my mom is floundering. Today my dad told me he has a boat. Yeah, he got it second-hand, but normal people tend not to have boats...it's the story of My Parents After Divorce, though. Dad's always had the stuff, and mom always had us boys. But my dad isn't getting all this stuff because he bears my mom ill will. Still, my memories are filled with mom worrying about child support, about her worrying about bills, about her working 16 hour days, with meetings all evening, and coming home after my brother and I are in bed.

I'm 25, and maybe that's old enough to realise that the "you guys are my parents so you must be Equal In All Things" philosophy isn't appropriate. My dad does what he thinks is best, and my mom does what she thinks is best.

This hurt is going to be the toughest to let go, if I ever do, because I believe that the above paragraph about an inapprpriate philosophy is bullshit. Mom will never get compensated for raising her sons by herself, and all the boats, cottages, dishwashing machines and Disney World vacations in the world won't matter in the end, because she has had none of those.

The other old hurt...

Blind Merv, I thank you for inviting me to the wedding, but I hope you understand that I would be crashing it. If she wanted me to be there, she would have invited me. Just as, if she wanted me a part of her life she would have traded addresses or phone numbers with me last summer when we realised we live less than 10 city blocks away from each other. I stopped being a part of that group in the summer of '94, the summer of the "30-second kiss-off," of the camping trip. It's taken until last summer to realise that, and it's gonna take a little while longer for me to stop aching about it, but those people are not -my- people.

I also hope that we can meet up for dinner later that weekend when I'm up, because you -are- my best friend, and I thank you again for the invitation to someone else's wedding, but it would not be appropriate.

Okay, so, that said, I must now clean the apartment, write a note to the Devil Cat's caretaker, and pack. All the while drinking beer and getting into bed before 11pm.

Cheers,

The Magus

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