Worries.

2002-07-14 - 3:28 p.m.

Things I worry about:

That I am a complete freak in social situations and that people can only look at me and go "Bwah?"

That I will die alone.

That I won't die alone, but will be surrounded by strangers.

That I will suffer from a stroke or a degenerative neurological disease. This is a big phobia. I did neuroscience in school. I know the symptoms. And my grandad lost his ability to form long-term memories for the three years before he died. My nightmare is to lose myself and to understand that I am losing my self. This goes along with the "surrounded by strangers" thing, and is really a larger group that contains that fear. Because, what if I'm surrounded by my 70 year old husband and our 20 year old kids, and the last thing I remember is my 64 year old husband and my 4 year old kids?

I worry (not so much these days) that I will die and it will take days for someone to realise it. I'll get hit by a car or burn in a building, and will have no ID on me and the police will have to spend weeks to find my family. When I was living alone and cripplingly depressed, I worried that if I killed myself, someone would have to find my body, and I worried about who that would be, and what state my body would be in when they did.

I worry a little more often that someone I care about will die and I will have no way of knowing. I have some "ex-best friends" who are exes more because we lost track after high school than for any fights or differences of opinion. I am sure that, by now, I am not a member of the circle of people who will be called for a funeral. I'm afraid that there are people I love in this world who will die, and I won't be able to mourn them.

I worry about a lot of things, I guess.

I never worried that I would not do anything for Pookie's birthday.

I did not do anything for Pookie's birthday.

I have no idea what happened. I don't know why I didn't just pick up balloons, or why I could only wish him a happy birthday after he prompted, or why I haven't bought him any gifts yet.

He is so completely hurt, and I want to run away from that, but I can't, because he is completely right. If it weren't for him, his birthday would have gone completely without note...

I don't think I'll ever make up for this. I'm still in shock at myself.

What the fuck happened?

The Magus

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