Stupid, yet still Egotistical

2002-07-01 - 12:17 a.m.

I think that maybe I've been going through a mid-twenties "crisis."

The other day I broke down in tears with Pookie, after a few drinks, because I've been feeling really stupid lately. Just feeling dumb. That isn't a good thing, because I've always been "the smart one."

Part of it is that in school you're clumped together with a bunch of people, smart and stupid, so you have a fairly good cross section to compare yourself with. When I graduated with the 13th highest average in my high school, that was a part of me, that was who I was.

Same with university, where even though my marks weren't great, it wasd completely because I would never hand in assignments or study or show up for class. If I had a course where the marks relied solely on exams, I'd do pretty well without even trying. And again, I'd be sitting next to people who didn't necessarily catch on as quickly as I did, I'd be able to explain things to people. People would ask my advise.

When I came out, and started doing the binge-drinking/bar scene, I was able to talk with people ten, twenty years my seniors. I'd debate politics with folks who likely knew better, and be able to hold my ground in conversations. In discussion groups on the 'net I had things worth saying, could argue and discuss and toy with concepts.

But now, I feel stupid.

I get corrected a lot. I'm certain of things that are just not true. I spout off "facts" that turn out to be dead wrong.

There isn't gellatin in strawberry jam, for instance. It's pectin.

I am unsure of how to spell "protestor/protester."

I had no idea that Maoists were just a faction of communists, despite knowing the faction is Chinese and China is a communist nation.

Yeah, those are pretty obscure bits of knowledge, and it's likely just a case of hanging out with folks who are quite intelligent...I don't have people in my life who don't know what "procrastination" means anymore.

But still, if a part of my identity hinges on my being "the smart one," and I'm in a room filled with brilliant people, what does that make me?

Maybe my 20s will end up being the decade when I'm able to redefine myself, to become more than just "the smart one," "the geeky one," "the weird one," and to become The Magus that I really am...multilayered, complex...

And I just had a call and couldn't remember if Saskatchewan was a province.

Cheers,

The Magus

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