Talking to Strangers

2005-05-12 - 9:18 p.m.

So, I'm pretty sure that I've been depressed for a while, now. Months, maybe. I'll have moments where I seem to be better, but they're brief, like I'm just poking my head out of the water before something - a stray thought, someone's random comment - starts pulling me under again.

Today was one of those days. About half-way through rugby practice I started to feel low again, so I skipped the after-practice "fun at the bar" part and just went home, trying to figure out what's wrong with my head and how I can fix it without actually seeing a professional or doing anything constructive or useful.

On the subway, after I'd had ample time to be glum, a couple with a baby came on board. The couple were dressed in activist chic - military garb worn in a way decidedly anti-military, an OCAP (Ontario Coalition Against Poverty - hardcore activism, here) logo on the guy's shoulder. They were taking turns rocking their baby, who kept making "ah-ah-ah" sounds whenever they stopped. Somehow, watching them, hearing the baby, listening to their voices as they spoke to each other...it made me smile a bit.

They got off the subway at the same stop as I did, and soon I realized they were waiting for the same bus. I kept eavesdropping as the woman asked "Is she asleep?" and the man answered in the affirmative, describing her sleepy eyes. They talked about how she was going to sleep pretty easily these days, about how they felt they were getting things down, falling into a routine. There was an underlying thread of kindness or gentleness in everything they said. It wasn't faked or shallow, it was just who they were.

Once I realised what they'd given me, I decided to thank them, so I spent the rest of the bus ride trying to figure out what I'd say, and to psych myself up to actually say it.

My stop came first, so I approached them and just said something like: "Excuse me, I know this is kind of weird, but I wanted to say thank you. I've been eavesdropping on you since you got on the subway. I've had a low couple of weeks, and hearing how you treat each other and your child, with kindness, was what I needed to feel a little better."

They smiled, surprised, and the guy shook my hand, and then I tried to leave the bus, but it was one of those stupid "you have to push the door really, really hard to get it to open" doors that I never really understood because they're darn annoying and I haven't once seen someone open one without effort, so I struggled a bit and maybe cursed under my breath and eventually managed to escape, hopefully without seeming too foolish or crazy.

I walked the rest of the way home, and the heel of my sandal came loose from where I'd duct taped it, so it flopped. And my pulled groin, from our first rugby game this season, aggravated by my relentlessly attending practices, started aching again, and the thoughts and emptiness started crowding again.

I'm really glad I talked to those people, though, because I can't count on many unexpected smiles these days, and I'll probably ease myself to sleep tonight remembering their dozing little one and their quiet, kindly voices.

Cheers,

The Magus

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