Dad, again

2004-11-27 - 6:12 p.m.

I tried to call my dad today, for the first time in a couple of months, but there was no answer.

I'm really worried about things with him. Before calling him, I talked with my mom and my brother, and both of them pretty much independently mentioned that Dad was really mad at me, didn't think he should bother helping me financially, thinks it's horrible that I quit my job (he doesn't even know what I did), and that I'll be lucky if I'm even still in the will.

Now, I don't care that much about the will, really. It's sort of more of a symbol than anything: I pretty much spent my life assuming that my parents would split everything equally between their kids. I'm pretty sure that my mom would (she's more worried right now about her being in so much debt), and my brother and I are pretty square with each other on how we'd handle mom's estate.

It would hurt, though. It would mean that dad and I never worked out our differences, and those differences are so minor that it'd be ridiculous to not resolve them, somehow.

Everyone blames the step-mom, and I guess I do, too. Once, when I was a teenager, out of the blue she took me aside and explained that sometimes my dad wants to give me money, but she has to tell him not to. She's a miser (which shouldn't be surprising, she's also an accountant. Not to say all accountants are misers.), and she's got her own set of rules for how people should behave with each other and consequences for what should happen when they don't. The consequence for not calling dad often enough, in her mind, is that I should forfeit any right to Christmas or birthday presents. It hasn't come to that, but there have been some conversations about her and dad "forgetting" about me.

I hate all this, because I seriously couldn't give a rat's ass about money. I need it, obviously, to survive and to get things and services I want. I'd rather have more of it than less of it. I'd like to know that if I'm in a hard time I can count on family to be there. But as soon as I'm fed and sitting down in a comfy chair with a good book, money disappears from the list of things I think about. When I have cash, I give it away, probably frivolously. When I have money, even if it's money that shouldn't be spent, I'll gladly pass it on. When a friend says "I'd like to go with you, but I'm poor right now," I more often than not offer to loan or pay their way, because the company of the people I love is way more important than dollar signs. They aren't even in the same league.

So, I'm frustrated at being so angry at Dad over money. I feel like there's something wrong about his opinion that once you hit 18 you should be 100% self-sufficient and never need to bother your family again.

He wasn't home - they're probably at their cottage for the weekend - so I left a bland message apologising for not calling sooner, let them know that I was moving, and now...I get to wait and try to figure out how to fix things with dad without letting him get off his responsibility to me as my father. Because frankly? He still has a lot of dirty diapers and other childhood tests to make up for.

Cheers,

The Magus

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