Planning Relapses

2004-10-28 - 2:03 a.m.

Last night, while I also couldn't sleep, I lay in bed fascinated by the idea of a planned relapse.

I considered my possible trip to New York next month. I was enchanted, thinking through the possibility of having one beer (just the one, because I'd have to show restraint) between two of the three games we're to have that Saturday weekend. Maybe I'd have two beer, if I was wounded. Just to take the edge off. Then, afterwards, if we played particularly well (and even if we didn't), I could join in with the traditional rugby "Third Half" of drinking and comraderie.

I would make it clear that I could only drink that once, and then it would be back to sobriety and healthy decision-making.

It's scary, because there are moments where I can't see anything wrong with that idea.

I'm hoping that the fact that the non-drinking thing has been especially exhausting lately is because of depression or joblessness-induced stress and not because of hanging with the rugby guys. Environment plays a role in decision-making and development, and it's possible that being around guys who can be hard-core drinkers might be a mistake.

But rugby itself is really fun, and I feel like it's helping me in other ways. I'm being more social, I'm staying fit, I'm being forced to like myself on a regular basis instead of just once in a while.

I may be looking at this drinking thing from the wrong angle, though. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to handle rugby as well as I have if I'd still been drinking. I might not even have given it a try. While I might have now developed the ability to moderate my drinking, I don't know that I can, and I have a history that says my judgement is unreliable about alcohol. Rugby is something that I've gained from being sober. It's one of the perks. It's silly to try to turn it into a reason to drink.

The idea of a planned relapse is still attractive, but I think I need a few more years living sober before I risk that experiment. At the very least, I need to have a job and know my life is moving forward again before I even consider reintroducing that mind-altering chemical into my life.

I hope I can sleep now.

Cheers,

The Magus

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