Balanced Diet

2004-08-25 - 8:32 a.m.

I got into a minor, minor argument with a friend the other day. Mainly, we were shopping and I stopped to pick up a package of butter tarts. It would have been my 4th package that week, which is excessive, and that was the root of our disagreement.

He'd watched me get into shape over the last few months/years, and felt that by buying that box of tarts, I was throwing it all away, and that he was watching the beginning of a downward slide that would see me miserable and fat and friendless.

I argued back that it wasn't that at all, that I liked butter tarts, that I wanted to have some, and, because I've done all this work to get myself in shape, I ought to be able to enjoy some of the benefits (ie, being able to sometimes eat things I want without worrying about how I look). I ended up putting the tarts back (though I then picked up a box of cookies - do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had cookies?), because the argument didn't seem worth it.

The argument bothered me at the time. Frankly, it's my body. Even more frankly (and all due respect if this friend should happen to read this one day), I'm the one who's spent the last year reading about fitness and diet and following suggestions and experimenting with what works for me. I'm also the one who knows what it takes for me to get in shape and to (I believe) stay in shape. A week of bad eating will not erase two years of steady excercise, just as two years of steady excercise has only just begun to erase 25 years (or so) of poor diet and inertia.

But I think the argument bothered me in part because it spoke to my fear that I'll slide back. Not on the eating thing, because next to quitting smoking and drinking, food management (for me) is pretty easy. I'll eat anything, so it doesn't matter whether I'm eating a giant plate of poutine or a plate of veggies and lean meat. I'll crave types of food, but once those cravings are met, I'm fine to go back to eating whatever it is I've decided to eat.

The fear is of a more general backslide, one where I start drinking again, where I stop talking with people, where I go back to unhealthy habits of thought.

Sunday will be 11 months of dry-ness, and there's a part of me looking at that "month-iversary" with superstitious dread. I'm expecting the last month before the year landmark to be frought with danger, to be a series of events designed to give me a "So close, and yet..." moment in the 11th hour. It would be just perfect if I made it almost a year and then fell off the wagon.

But the two things - food and drink - are seperate. I have some weighty issues around alcohol, I'm pretty sure that any issues I have around food are firmly placed in the category of "quirks" (I eat donuts by picking off the bready part first, saving the icing for last. I also eat chili by using bread as a spoon, in a very particular way. It all goes back to a "save the best for last" philosophy, which I will demonstrate for anyone who wants to watch me eat chili and donuts).

Thing is (and it took that argument to show this to me), I'm happy with my body. I'm actually happy with it. I don't think I've been happy with my body since I was a kid and didn't know any better. I'm at the point of fine-tuning, really. I have a layer of fat that obscures my abs, my arms are still a little too scrawny, and I'd really love to start putting on some size all over....but those are all details, and I have a pretty good idea of how to do that. I know how my body reacts to certain foods and excercises: the only thing I need at this point is patience while my work pays off.

I have days where I'm not happy, and if I go too long without working out, I worry about putting some fat back on and losing strength, but these aren't major worries.

I'm at a point of finding a balance, of giving in to temptation sometimes, and of resisting at others. I can choose my battles now, and a box of butter tarts isn't going to change that.

clean2202 has written about control and her perceptions of it since she quit drinking and took up running (not at the same time), and I'm beginning to realise that a lot of life just requires a little bit of responsible management. Becoming a healthy adult is going to involve my learning how to manage things, to make decisions that are good for me, to do the work when I need to, and to let myself enjoy things every now and then.

I'm nowhere near that point with drinking, and I somehow doubt I'll ever be there, but I'm at that point with my body. I'm not playing catch-up for years' worth of poor decision-making anymore. I've entered a phase of maintenance and balance that I'm quite proud of. I can eat all the butter tarts I want, because I don't always want butter tarts.

I'm sure there are about a million better ways I could have written this entry, but I'm at work and the phones have been busy. Bleagh.

Cheers,

The Magus

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