A Friendly Rambling

2004-05-25 - 11:46 a.m.

Whenever I see an ad for a razor these days, I just want to run up to those poor schlobs who made the ad, grab them (compassionately) by their lapels and say "Don't you see it? Don't you know? There are razors out there with FOUR BLADES (and two conditioning strips)!! It's all over for you and your inferior razor!"

If I ever meet someone in the advertising-for-disposable-razor biz, that's exactly what I'll do.

In other news, I'm going home to Halifax next week, and my best friend is going to change her last name. She also calls my ex more often than she calls me, which is one of those things that, intellectually, I know is okay, but emotionally makes me get all "Oh." inside.

Oh, Hell, let's just get this overwith...it's the price I pay for having really good friends and family, and for deciding that my friendship with Pookie is a good thing for me, certainly better than letting him drift away.

Basically, shortly after Pookie and I broke up, a lot of my friends and family let me know that they really liked Pookie, and they were upset that we broke up, because they were afraid they would never see him again. My mom, for example, still hopes that we'll get back together again.

Basically, just about all my friends (I can think of one exception, and because of work schedules, I never see him again, except at staff meetings) have told me that they really like Pookie. Some of them have actually called him (while I was still living with him, some called to speak with him...they had nothing to say to me) to let him know that they like him.

The only thing I've heard from Pookie's side, from his friends relayed through him, is that some of them didn't really think I was a good boyfriend for him.

I know it's childish to be upset that basically, through me, some really great people got to know each other and may actually have become something close to friends. And I have to own up to the fact that, if calling back and staying in touch is a good hallmark of friendship, I tend to be a pretty bad friend. I also know (or am reasonably convinced...absolute certainty would be a sign of self-confidence and a high self-esteem, and that's just not always possible) that my friends still appreciate me and still like me, and that a breakup is not a popularity contest, and that their calling Pookie doesn't mean that they like him any better than they like me....

I know all of that, but on my bad days, when it's more difficult to feel good about myself, when it's hard to justify my own existence, I feel like somehow I passed on all my friendships, that I wasn't worthy enough for my friends' esteem and they've moved on to someone who was.

I don't write about it much anymore...my utter confusion and...well...just feeling lost...at the fact that I don't have very many close friends here. I don't have friends that I do things with. There's pretty much Pookie, and then everyone else is a co-worker or an ex-co-worker and most times it's weird to try being social with them outside of the office.

Aside from Pookie, there isn't anyone in this city that I can be completely genuine, that I'm comfortable with.

Three years, and no close friends.

Ack...I was going to end the entry right here, but then a little voice inside me started reminding me that I'm in a better situation, friend-wise, than I was two or three years ago...I have the gay roleplayers, many of whom, if I'm patient, will probably become good friends. The last person fired from work is becoming a friend...she and I aren't always on the same wavelength, and we both tend towards avoiding other people, but we hang out every now and then. I talk on the phone with one of my best friends in Halifax (the houseguest from last year), and I'm feeling like we're settling into a new phase of comfort with each other...we're nicer to each other lately, without needing to be polite...I think we're liking each other more.

I wish making friends was easier, and that I didn't always feel so awkward about doing it. I wish it didn't take me about 3 years to start feeling comfortable here...

Anyway, that was an entry that went nowhere conclusive. Blah.

Cheers,

The Magus

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