Alcoholic

2004-04-05 - 8:57 a.m.

So, in addition to spending my long weekend doing nothing (as it should be), I also spent too little time doing some soul searching, sort of.

I've mentioned before that I plan conversations in my head, and sort of rehearse hypothetical discussions with people, playing both my and their roles. I think I was imagining what a conversation with my mom on the subject of my not drinking anymore would be like, and halfway through the imaginary conversation, I kind of realized that it's a really, really fine line between "problem drinker" and "alcoholic."

If pressed, I probably couldn't come up with a method of telling the difference between the two without relying on the effects on someone's life. The best definition for "Problem Drinker" that I can come up with is "Like an alcoholic, but not quite as bad," which would be my way of saying "Sure, I have a drinking problem, but I got control of it, and I'm not as bad as some people, so that means that I'm not exactly like them."

And so, now, I have to resolve the fact that I've made a choice to not even look at the possibility of my being an alcoholic. I'm not even sure what that is in relation to me, and I've found it easier to ignore this instead of dealing with and resolving it.

I'm kind of pissed off at myself, mainly because I feel like I've been fooling myself, and I haven't even been trying to not be fooled. I feel like, in this area of my life, anyway, I've been walking around with my eyes closed, pretending that everything was fine.

The problem, though, is that I know almost nothing about alcoholism...I've tended to stay away from help groups like AA, mainly because I feel like they wouldn't help me, and because I do like to do things myself. Those groups often seem so insular, too, and almost claustrophobic...though I've never actually been to one myself. Unfortunately, just about any easily accessed information about drinking problems and alcoholism is to be found through these groups, so I've learned very little since those junior high health classes. My main source of information about drinking and not-drinking comes from Diaryland, which can't be a good thing.

And ignorance is so not the point of this entry! The point is that I'm scared of the possibility of being an actual alcoholic. The idea terrifies me. It freezes my brain. It's something that's looming really, really large in my psyche, and I don't want to face up to it, but I've been not-drinking for 6 months, and I really better start owning up to some of this, right?

It's just a word, really, but it feels like using that word in relation to myself is like changing identities, it means that I may have to look at myself in a new light.

And I spent the entire weekend smoking way too much pot so that I wouldn't have to think about this.

It would all be so easy if I wasn't so scared of the whole subject.

Cheers,

The Magus

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