Miserable

2004-03-15 - 8:42 a.m.

At what point does a bad mood qualify as depression?

Ah, screw that. I'm calling this depression...In fact, I'm going to proudly call it depression. I will get a shirt that says "I'm depressed and that's okay!!!" (3 exclamation points are mandatory)

Incidently, I'm against everyone who's ever criticised someone else's definition of depression. I've heard people say that someone isn't depressed, and then listed the reasons why. "That person is just sad," someone told me once, way back in high school.

And, with my being an internalizing bastard, I instantly started questioning my own depression. I mean, who am I to say what real depression is? Sure, I may feel pretty miserable, but maybe if I were to experience real depression, I'd know how sunny and bright my mood really is. Those stretches of three or four days where I can barely even get out of bed are nothing compared to the real depressives who haven't moved in months.

There is really nothing lamer than being depressed and having a crisis about whether or not it's real. It takes all the fun out of vaguely self-destructive thought.

I went to the gym this morning...practically dragged myself there, really, and I'm feeling a little bit better, but I still just want to get through this day, go home, and sleep for twenty hours. I feel like I want to cry, but I can't seem to summon the energy for it, and I don't know why I want to cry anyway, so why bother?

I'm completely mystified by this. I really should be fine. I should be happy. Lots of good things have happened lately. I have no idea why I feel like this, and I'm frustrated by that.

Last night, I lay in bed, thinking things through, trying to find exactly why I'm so miserable. I'm baffled.

The best I can come up with is that, now that things are going relatively okay, my psyche has decided that it's safe to feel some of the pain that I've been not-exactly-letting-myself feel for the past 6 months. (Sign of my mental distress: I'm having a mini crisis about the hyphenation of that last sentence. I'm leaving it as-is.)

Argh. I'll be okay. I know this. I don't feel it, but I know it.

Today's Do It Yourself Activity for the Viewers At Home is to insert an upbeat and hopeful conclusion to this entry.

Cheers,

The Magus

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