Life in Review?

2004-02-20 - 8:28 a.m.

I'm in a good mood again this morning, though last night I was catching myself being quite abusive to my self-esteem. I kept feeling like I wasn't able to be myself, or that somehow I'd turned into a person that I don't necessarily like. I was having "coffee" with a co-worker/friend (neither of us actually had coffee - she had soup, and I had salad (a really good salad! I'm not a fan of salad, but this one was really tasty. Did you know that there's a spicy kind of lettuce?), and we both drank water) to discuss our plans to create a Toronto L.E.T.S. (I forget what the letters stand for, but it's basically a community-based system of commerce that attempts to eliminate the isolating and negative effects of traditional money...as our project develops, I'm pretty sure that I'll talk more about it), and the entire time I felt like some sort of rigid control freak who hadn't had a creative or fluid thought in his lifetime. I confessed as much to her, but I lost all ability to articulate, and I think she probably believes me to be a maladjusted wacko.

So maybe now is a good time to start looking at myself, and figuring out if I am happy with who I am. Am I doing what I want to do, am I heading in positive directions? If I keep going as I am now, will I like myself in five years?

I'm thinking that this schism is being caused by the fact that I've been having to choose between activist/social justice issues and building a better body. I've already, temporarily, given up being a vegetarian, mainly because that seems like the fastest and easiest way for me to get my diet in order. I also don't know if I have the time to follow both of those paths at the moment. By choosing my body, I feel like I'm being selfish, and I guess I'm worried that I'm making the wrong choice, that I should be less concerned with how I look and more concerned about people who are facing injustice. And when I put it that way, it does seem like the wrong decision.

My plan is to focus on my body this year, to get where I want to be, and then to develop a maintenance plan that gives me the time and resources to pursue other interests. I think I'll spend this weekend thinking about that plan, and whether it is right for me.

So, in summation, aside from questioning my very moral fibre, I'm feeling great.

Cheers,

The Magus

PS I just realised that I have a work review next week, so maybe it's that time of year.

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