The Cheap Drunk Experiment

2004-02-15 - 5:33 a.m.

For absolutely no reason, I've been thinking about the whole not-drinking-thing for the last thirty minutes.

Thoughts about drinking come upon me every now and then, which really isn't surprising considering the place that alcohol had in my life for almost ten years. Lately, my thoughts have been centred around the premise that, if I were to drink now, because of my lowered tolerance due to decreased exposure, I could get so wasted on very few drinks, which (on the levels where I am a problem drinker) excites me in a dark sort of way.

I've never been a cheap drunk, and when I was drinking I'd be jealous of those people who could go out and have a wild night and have only spent twenty dollars on drinks. These people would have blurry vision after a couple of shots of alcohol, while I would have to drink the same amount just to feel the slightest buzz. Going out meant that I could expect to be at least $80 poorer the next day, which was why I drank at home so much, because it was so much cheaper.

But now, with significantly less body weight, and having abstained for so long, I could probably get absolutely hammered on the two small bottles of wine that I still have sitting on my counter (the bottles were Christmas gifts from work that haven't found a home yet). I could probably get that "fun" sort of buzz from one or two beer, which is almost unheard of for me.

Of course, if I did run this experiment in being a cheap drunk, I'd ruin the almost-five months that I've accrued, and I'm pretty sure that the lowered tolerance wouldn't last: in a couple of weeks I'd be back to spending way too much money. Plus, chances are, if I tried the cheap-drunk experiment I'd get really wasted, really fast, make a bunch of really stupid decisions, and hate myself for about an eternity.

Giving up drinking, this time, has been relatively easy for me, but I still feel that "why me?" thing. Why me? Why do I have to think about things like this when I know full-well that nothing good can come of drinking? Why do I have to give up drinking when everyone else still gets to do it? Why am I so irresponsible with alcohol while others can drink and not have dire consequences?

Life, I guess, is full of those sort of questions, for everyone. I may have a few issues when it comes to drinking, but there are people without limbs, with diseases and disorders and just really bad luck. While I'm worried about whether I can afford to spend that extra $100 a week on a controlled substance, there are other people who might never see $100 in their entire lives. Why them?

I think I can handle having a few little issues, just so long as I never have to spend any serious amount of time with someone who's perfect.

Cheers,

The Magus

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