Letter, Grudges, and Another Country

2003-09-07 - 2:04 a.m.

To continue with my being a bad diarylander, permit me to use this space to write a personal email. Ahem:

Blind Merv, where are you? Will you have a new email address? Could you sign my guestbook or email me or something (MagusX_ca (at) yahoo (dot) com) and let me know how your back-to-school days are going? Please? Thanks.

Signed,

The Magus.

Okay, now that that's overwith, here are some random thoughts and musings that don't necessarily have anything to do with each other, but they might, because I haven't written them yet, so who knows what will spew out. (Incidently, this freeform thing is why I'm glad the "title" field is at the bottom - if I had to make up a snazzy title before I even started an entry, I'd become paralyzed with indecision or something. Obviously this would be a big problem, because there is no way that I could fill out the form out of order.)

On the subject of work, I'm now less frustrated with how I was treated at the review (tired of the subject yet?) and more frustrated because I've realized that my ramblings about it are simply ways for me to try to justify my holding a grudge as mature adult behaviour. Unfortunately, mature adult behaviour does not include holding grudges. Like, ever. Grudges, by their very nature, are immature little things. To hold a grudge, you have to decide to stop learning new things, to stop incorporating different perspectives, and pretty much hold your hands to your ears and sing "lalala I can't hear you!"

Now, I definitely am able to hold a grudge. I can hold a grudge until the cows come home. Man, I am possibly one of the best grudge holders this side of a certain Ms. Arsenault (who still owes me for the way she treated me in junior high school. Bitch.)

Thing is, I get really bad at holding a grudge once I realize that I am, indeed, holding one. Because with that realisation, I'm stuck with a very plain choice: grow up or be a dink. It's very, very easy to be a dink and not know it...it becomes a little bit more troublesome to be a deliberate dink (though I'm sure some people try really, really hard). Because I'm lazy, I usually end up taking the easy way...which means letting go of the grudge and focusing on ignoring all of the remaining ways that I am a dink.

I shall never use the word "dink" again. I promise.

Anyway, I'm still looking for a way to hold a grudge maturely, but if I can't find one, I'll just let it go. I'll let myself admit that I was hurt, that I'm healing/have healed, and that I won't be hurt as easily in that way again, and then I'll move on.

The Japan question...I'm alternating on this...and I think I have some really valid questions and concerns, some of which I shall now enumerate because this entry isn't a million years long yet.

I don't really get excited about the idea of teaching kids English, no matter how well-behaved they are. First of all, that sort of thing requires meeting people. Ick. Plus, it's just not something that's ever attracted me.

I have no idea how welcoming Japanese culture is to homosexuality. My feeling is that there are some ways they are more accepting, but other ways that they would not be. I don't know what these ways are, but this is something that I've never seen addressed anywhere, and seeing as how I'm quite used to being open about who and what I am, it's a concern.

I've heard more than a few "horror stories" for every "life changing/affirming experience story." Usually the horror involves someone who isn't very open to difference anyway, but they often have a nervous breakdown or suddenly become racist, or just have a darn miserable time. I don't think I'm one of those sort of people, but really, if they thought they would have a miserable time, why would they have gone?

Anyway, like I said, I'm waffling between extremes on the subject. I think I just need to take a wait-and-see attitude, and maybe spend some time asking questions. Luckily there's still about a year (at least) before a decision needs to be made. I also thank all of you folks for the comments...if I do decide to do it, and if Pookie and I have a wonderful time, I'll have all of you to thank for it.

Okay, I guess that's all I had to say.

Cheers,

The Magus

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