Working Stiff

2003-08-26 - 7:30 a.m.

Pookie checked in here yesterday and mentioned that I haven't written on diaryland for a while, and that's true. Life has been busy, half of it feeling like wheel-spinning, the other half working towards stuff. Not the absence of socialising.

Because (lament, lament) I have no friends here.

Anyway, in other news, I am the proud recipient of my department's first "Employee of the Month" award. Given my hard-line stance against this place ever since the abysmal review last spring, I'm not sure what the appropriate response is.

I don't think any of my co-workers much care about this award, mainly because -all- of us work quite hard, bring special skills to the office, etc. I'm pretty darn sure that I'm not the best employee here, nor am I the hardest worker. Heck, I'm not even the wittiest, cutest or most-likely-to-bring-in-baked-goods. I'm just hoping to take the gift certificate (enough for Pookie and me to get a cheap lunch at some restaraunt), silently say "thanks" and leave.

The problem isn't the award, of course. It isn't even that I feel like I need recognition: my desire for recognition here died a hard death months ago. I don't even think it was that strong to begin with. If I was doing something important, like curing brain cancer, then sure, bring on the prizes, but getting recognised as being the best dang credit-card order processor in the whole department is...not that big a deal.

The problem is that I've been bearing a grudge against my supervisors for the last six months or so, and I'm really starting to get tired of it.

A few months ago, I was prepared to leave this place (should I find a job) by leaving a note with my supervisors letting them know that they destroyed my trust in them, etc, etc. That I'd never consider them friends, that they ought to look at how they deal with differing opinions, because ignoring other perspectives doesn't really work outside of this office.

Now?

Now all that seems...tiring. The fact that I've finally, -finally- learned that the way you get ahead (or stay out of trouble, anyway) is to smile, nod, and say exactly what "They" expect to hear no matter what you think is something that's important. It's a crappy lesson to learn, but...won't it be better for me to just slink out of here in a year or so (less! less!) without a look back?

Thing is, it appears like doing nothing is the mature thing to do...but some large part of me feels that it's wrong. That -somehow- I have to let them know that what they did 6 months ago -was- wrong, that it -wasn't- insignificant, that it was, in fact, abuse. Whether what I do has any effect or not isn't important, this piece of me says, it's that I try, in some way, to explain myself to them, something that I can't do so long as I hope to keep this job.

And, of course, now I get this certificate, and I can't help but feel a little bitter about that. I have been working hard, but rather than this validating my work, it seems like it's validating -theirs-. In the long run, they've gotten more out of me as an employee because of that meeting. And hey, it wasn't either of them who left that room, walked through a working office with tears drying on their face. Neither of them had to hold it together on the bus ride home because grown men don't sob in public.

In some ways, it feels like it might have been easier for me to just quit then. Things would have been really tough for Pookie and me for who knows how long, but there wouldn't have been this long, drawn-out period of my saying the sky is green. If I had quit, in a moment of foolish passion, I could have stuck to my principals and they would never have received validation.

Instead, I work at a job that is nowhere near as bad as other jobs, for a pay cheque that isn't as bad as it could be, with small perks here and there that I wouldn't get most other places.

And all the time, I'm staying exactly the same distance away from who I want to be.

Cheers,

The Magus

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