Folks

2003-05-23 - 2:53 a.m.

The absolute worst feeling...worse than grief...is that I know that my dad is going to die someday, and I'm afraid that that will happen before we can get the relationship, the connections, back.

We never really fought. We just...drifted apart. I don't think that we know each other anymore.

I'm thinking about mortality, and about the people that I'll miss, and the people that I...am in stasis, I guess, with...

I'm going home in June sometime. One of my goals is to tell my 10 (3 months shy of 11) year old sister that I am gay and that the 6'5" guy who's been hanging around me a lot is actually her possible uncle.

Maybe I need to talk to my dad, as corny and stupid as everything might sound. As vulnerable as that will leave me. As -raw- as that will leave me.

I mean, everyone around me has lost a parent in some way. I can't deny this. I can't pretend that my parents will be around forever. No matter how much I want them to be.

Cheers,

The Magus

PS: This isn't all of a sudden. I make a point, since I moved to Toronto, to tell my folks that I love them. It still doesn't feel like enough. It still feels too desperate. It still feels like denial.

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