This entry is so rambly that to give it a title would be to lessen its beauty. Nah, not really.

2003-04-23 - 5:49 a.m.

I'm angry at the political world right now. Can someone give me a -good- reason for Iraqi Leader Playing cards? And that, my loyal readers, is merely the tip of the iceberg. Iceburg? berg. burg. berg. I'm pretty sure it's berg.

Pookie sent out his resume. I'm floundering between the Old Magus, who would have hoped for the best, and the New Magus who has this feeling that no, nothing good will ever come from reaching toward your goals and is preparing for the worst. It's been a winter of validating the New Magus and I'm really hoping that Old Magus can get at least one "I told you so" moment before my birthday.

Believe it or not, a healthy person (or so I would assume) would hope for the best AND prepare for the worst. I think my psyche is working under the assumption that my final tally, at the end of my life, will be based on a cumulative score. If I can cover all of the emotional extremes throughout the course of my life, I win.

I'm not sure if this is true, but I have a sinking feeling that those last two paragraphs are probably the best examples of introspection and self-awareness that I've shown in the last few weeks.

I also feel like, in conversation, most of my sentences start with "I" (the identity, not the letter). This situation/feeling crops up from time to time, and it worries me. I'm not empathetic enough. Too self-absorbed. And other crazy thoughts.

At the moment, I'm assuming that this is mainly because, due to my anti-social nature and my isolating work hours, I see no one except 3 or 4 co-workers, Pookie, and the cat.

I'm hoping that school will help.

And I'm hoping that shaking myself out of this state will help give me some direction for my writing. I don't have that same idealism I used to have when I was younger. I had Ideas, Themes, Concepts, all capitalised. Things that would provide my writing with a moral direction. The first novel I wrote was about different people overcoming their personal fears and weaknesses to save the world. I wrote it back when I believed that people overcame their fears and weaknesses instead of just incorporating them into a semi-functional whole.

The next book I wrote was about how many issues have multiple points of view, and that while we may disagree it's important to remember that the value of each other and of life must not be compromised, unless you want to risk disaster. That was when I believed that people had the ability - and the will - to overlook differences and selfish reasons to search for and work for a common good.

To write things, I think I need to be struggling with something that improves me as a human being. Right now, I think I'm struggling most often with disillusionment, and that's a fight where the goal is to not lose, instead of a goal to increase, improve, grow. I don't want to write about disillusionment, because right now I don't want to deal with the possibility that that struggle can't have a happy ending.

And believe it or not, I really am attached to happy endings.

Okay, so this entry has completely gone in a different direction than I was expecting. On the bright side, though, I think I may have, somehow, just helped myself in a tiny way. Huh.

Cheers,

The Magus

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