About Imbalance

2002-08-14 - 9:41 p.m.

So, going home wasn't so bad. My brother misses me, and when you spend a whole lifetime playing the sibling rivalry game, it's a pleasant surprise to realise that he loves me as much as I love him.

To tell the truth, I think the problem wasn't with the trip (though, Resolved: The Magus and Pookie will be sure to find their own lodgings, be it hotel room or under park bench, for the next trip), but with me. I've been kinda wonky at least since I pushed Pookie's friend around...destructive behaviour, moods of extreme avoidance, Bad Days where I'm not-depressed-but-could-be-depressed-but-that'd-be-weak-of-me...

I'm not sure how much of all that expressed itself on here...I do know that the day of 14+ entries was the day when I came home from work, drank a bottle of leftover wine, went to the wine store and bought more wine, and drank wine without ever going to sleep. I then woke up the next morning, not sure what day it was. That was certainly not healthy or usual for The Magus.

And at least twice between then and now I found myself walking somewhere and not wanting to be anywhere except for under a tree with low branches, or a bush, or something cool and dark that would conceal me from the world, conceal the world from me.

And although I'm feeling better now, Pookie has been quiet in some ways, pensive in others, but when I ask, he says it's nothing, and I'm not sure enough that there is -something- to press him as I usually do. I am aware that I've been criticising and second-guessing him a lot lately, and I wonder if maybe he's realising that too. I am afraid that he will suggest a break before talking with me, or that he will talk with me and things will go awry. I think we're both afraid of the fact that we have barely seen each other for more than 4 months, and maybe we're just hiding behind comfortable masks...and if those masks are pulled away we'll find we're dating strangers.

...

So, I work tonight, and will be doing some more reading on ParEcon, because I haven't been doing -any- activisty stuff since June, and I may have something to write about the Karamazov Brothers, because the murder has happened, one of the brothers is suspected of killing his father, and Dostoevsky is being just as brilliant as ever...moving from commentary on religious faith to justice...keeping, all the same, that thread of his questioning of morality. Fun!

Plus, it'll be my first midnight shift in about two weeks, so by four or five I should be semi-delerious and high on caffiene. So expect some comments and thoughts about Halifax as well.

Cheers,

The Magus

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