Aftermath.

2002-07-23 - 9:03 p.m.

Okay, so obviously I didn't write part 2. I still will, I guess, but around 7am Pookie called, and we talked, and he apologized and said I was right, and, really, I so rarely hear that after I get mad. Mostly because when I'm mad I often do wrong things.

But one thing about last night that I want to make note of, and that's how I -have- lost my ability to fight. I've declawed myself. I used to be able to go for blood, I have a knack for finding out the perfectly hurtful thing to say. It was a skill I only ever used on my family (and Pookie is family), maybe because I knew it's only those ties that could overcome my verbal gutting.

Somehow, through knowing Pookie, and through growing up, I've stopped using those weapons. Last night there were many times when I could have gone for blood. Pookie leaves himself open, a sign of trust. Three and a half years is long enough, by far, to know a lot about what hurts him the most. But I stopped myself, pulled back. Because even when I'm angry with him I don't really want to hurt him.

And the problem is that, without that weapon, I don't have very well-honed arguing skills. I'm used to going for the winning blow, win-at-all costs. When I'm not fighting that way, I lose ground, I can feel myself get pushed back, my concerns trivialised, even if that's only how I'm feeling.

But maybe I shouldn't be arguing to win...my relationship isn't a battlefield. Arguments, in best case scenarios, should be a moment of conflict in the hopes of improving things for all those involved. If I'm not happy, we both suffer, and the same if he isn't happy either.

Maybe I'm not so clumsy because I've given up a weapon, but because the whole paradigm has shifted. It's like being a soccer player your whole life and then finding yourself on a hockey rink - it's tough even to keep your footing, let alone speed along.

And maybe it's important for people to realise that taking a step back, in order to get to a place where you can go forward, is just another step on the path. It isn't really a step backward, because it takes you closer to where you hope to be.

Huh.

Cheers,

The Magus

previous - next