In memory

2002-04-27 - 5:52 a.m.

I wonder how I feel about the 4 dead Canadian soldiers.

I have to wonder, because my thought process is limitted to something like, "Gee, that's too bad." on the subject. That's unusually apathetic-seeming for me. I tend to care about everything.

And I'm fairly sure it's not apathy. In part because I feel -something-. When I run my emotional radar, like a monster-hunter looking through Loch Ness, I can sense something down there, some vaguely-shaped pocket of emotion on this one issue, unformed, unvoiced...

I know this because I haven't made any jokes.

Joking is a huge part of me. I make stupid jokes about the sounds hippos make ("What did one hippo say to the other? GwaaaAAAAAAAAuuuuuuwwwgh!"), develop bad taglines and catch-phrases, and generally work out whatever pun-related humour I can. Ask my boyfriend. It's a sickness and I can admit that.

I make jokes about things that matter a lot to me, and about things that don't. I'm -sure- there's some twisted humour to be found in the fact that the Americans bombed us and now don't even seem to care (would Bush have worn a golf shirt while making a one-or-two-sentence statement on some sunny day if it was four dead Americans?).

And if I don't make jokes, then I should be at least angry, right? And I am...except I don't really feel it. I didn't know the four soldiers, and I don't even like the military generally...

Maybe some part of me was injured, hurt by this. This is a war I don't want our country to be in, a war that I don't even feel is just. Those soldiers may have agreed with it, or not agreed with it...but they were there. Whether ordered to or not, it was they who took the risk, who gave up their lives.

Maybe I don't feel like humour or anger is justified right now. Or maybe I'm just waiting, to see what will happen. I've been "waiting-and-seeing" a lot lately, and maybe this is just a sign that I will soon be ready to -do- something...just not yet.

I'm going to my first-ever anti-war protest today, and I'm kind of excited. If I can get over my constant fear and dislike of social situations, I think I'll have a good time. It's a cause I can support, and it's being held by people who I agree with (for the most part), and it's been a long time since I've been able to discuss my own personal brand of politics.

Is this why I'm holding off? Is it because I want to honor those young soldeirs' lives in the best way that I know how, by learning whatever lesson their deaths can teach me, and then taking that lesson into my life? Is this a sign of who I may one day become: the thoughtful, watchful aspect in conjunction with the emotional part of me that demands action?

Maybe. I'll let you know.

Cheers,

The Magus

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