The Path to Here

2006-07-26 - 4:40 p.m.

So, here's the deal:

I am still unemployed and am now officially a couch-surfer, for the second time in my life.

Here's what I think happened:

A couple of years ago I had some crap to deal with, and did not do so efficiently. In fact, I think I pretty much self-medicated with pot and, at times, booze, so that I could avoid dealing with things. Until a few months ago, I was smoking up pretty much every day.

I had a couple of years of unsteadiness: working jobs that I didn't enjoy, going nowhere, becoming depressed.

Last winter, I took a job as a telefundraiser which, this may not be a surprise, is absolutely the worst job someone could take, if they happen to be sensitive to rejection, shy, and have difficulty asking people for things. Further, the office had a huge turn-around, so I had to meet new people every single day. Other factors, like communal lunches and breaks, a high-pressure "training" program, and the unfortunate fact that I hate asking people for money led me to break down.

In April, I stopped being able to go to work, and really kind of stopped being able to leave my house, which ended such activities such as "work".

Early May I met with my brand new doctor, and he put me on a low dose of some anti-anxiety/depression medication, which I've been taking since, and which may or may not be having an effect. I've stopped the daily pot smoking (I'll still smoke at a party or if someone offers, but not to the extent that I was, not on a daily basis). And during the last three or four weeks, after months of craziness, I'm actually feeling normal. I'm looking for work, I'm getting interviews, the world is opening up again.

I look back, and it seems like I haven't been myself for almost two years. It's like my life was put on pause. Two years of doing nothing.

Now, I'm looking forward. I might not have time here in Toronto to find a job before the generosity of my friends runs out, but my folks in Halifax have assured me I can go back to live with them, if need be. I'm making the most of the opportunities I have here, but I'll have choices if things don't work out.

I just very much want to get on with my life, get my feet back under me, and start back to school, to do things again. To grow.

So, now you're caught up. For the next few weeks, I have access to a computer at home, so I should be able to keep both my LJ and my diaryland journals updated. This one'll be my mostly secret one, in case I have private angst, or if I want to bust out with something crazy.

Cheers,

The Magus

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