Daylight

2005-01-25 - 1:23 p.m.

Yeah, sometime during the two hours that I lay in bed trying to sleep last night after writing that last entry I sort of muttered to myself: "What do you mean, 'no happiness,' you melodramatic git?"

There's always happiness to be found in some form or another, and it's not like I'll suddenly be facing racial cleansing or having my village be wiped out by a tsunami or anything. I guess the bleakness comes from knowing that if something doesn't come through for me in a big way in the next two weeks, I'll have to move back home, which would effectively erase everything that I've done for the last five years. I wouldn't be able to finish my continuing education program, there's no gay rugby team in Halifax, I wouldn't have a group of gay D&D players, the editing and writing market is much, much smaller there, I'd be living with family who, while I love them very, very much, have some serious misconceptions (partly nurtured by myself) about who I am and what I want and need.

It takes me a long, long time to build a social web, and after almost 4 years in this city I've finally started to see that happening again. There are people I feel comfortable hanging out with, here. All of the friends I made in Halifax (all...um...3? 5?) have since moved away to bigger and better things.

Moving home right now would be looking for a place to crash land, and I'm not sure I have it in me right now to pick up the pieces and start anew. I'd have a near impossible time trying to put a positive spin on a move like that. It would be the biggest defeat I've ever had.

Today, though, there's some good news: I got a tax receipt from the class I took last winter, which I was told not to expect until the end of February, so I can go in and get my taxes done this week, which should take some of the pressure off and see me part way through February. Pookie will be happy, because it means that I'll be able to pay him the last of January's rent that I still owe him.

In other news, here are two sayings that I've invented and that should probably die because they're bad.

"My nest egg is a goose egg."

"I like my gym the way I like myself: dead inside."

I tried the egg one in conversation and it totally bombed, but I give myself points for trying.

Cheers,

The Magus

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