Dating Game

2005-01-05 - 5:03 a.m.

I guess since "late" passed into "early" an hour ago, there's not much point in going back to sleep, so I'm going to run to the gym and hopefully get back in time to be called by the job people who will then tell me that I have a job, because the universe will decide to like me again.

In other news, I'm ready to start dating again, I think. This is not without its problems, because:

a)I'm really, really shy.

b)I haven't had sex in about 16 months, and I haven't had sex with someone who isn't Pookie in about 6 years. Now, while I'm ready to start dating, I'm not really ready to start having sex right away, but I'm one of those people who thinks that good sex is crucial for a relationship to work, and I'm also someone who would only like to date someone if the potential for a long-term relationship exists, so sex will come up if I start dating, and while I've heard that it's a little bit like riding a bicycle (except with fewer pedals, unless you're into that sort of thing)bn b (the cat, Fred, just stepped on the keyboard, so I guess he would like the world to know about "b" and "n" and..."b" again), it's still something that I'm worried about.

c)Before Pookie, I had two dating styles. The first was to get really drunk and go on the internet and set up a meeting with a stranger and then go to their place and have sex. The second was to get really drunk and go to a bar and, if someone cute talked with me and picked me up and took all the initiative, I'd go home with them and have sex. Both styles involve getting really drunk (which I don't do any more) and having sex before knowing someone's real name (which I don't really want to do any more).

d)When I did date, about half the people I met were critically psychologically damaged in some way that made it impossible to plan any sort of life with them. Unfortunately, the critically psychologically damaged sort that I tended to meet were usually the sort who would not pick up on subtle hints that things weren't working out (like, say, that I stopped talking to them or that I flinched away from their inappropriate touching, or that when they told me they really loved me with all their heart twelve hours after meeting them and I said "Well, that's nice. You might be a good friend."), and so I'd end up having to be direct, and maybe a little bit cold to get the point across, and I hate being cold to anyone. I want, in general, to treat people kindly.

So, I guess that while I'm ready to start dating a relatively stable person (seriously, I'd like a relationship where I'm the batshit one for once...), I'm not ready to deal with all the other stuff, which, I'm thinking (because the universe works this way), is part of the whole shebang.

What I want is to be able to flirt again. And then make out. And have soulful conversations with someone who's interested, and to be interested in them. And to have sex in many forms. But to also have a chance to lean my head on someone's shoulder, or have them lean their head on mine. To negotiate hand-holding (over or under?), to touch with impunity. To feel body warmth that doesn't come from a cat.

Argh. This happens all the time when I write, that moment where I realize that I'm basically whining about something that everyone has to deal with and that the only answer is to get over it. I've been stung by relationships, I've had to face some of the bad stuff, and I'm just afraid of risking that bad stuff happening again. If I was still wounded, hesitation would make sense, but I don't think I'm wounded any more. Now, I'm just afraid of a little inconvenience, and that's no way to live.

Cheers,

The Magus

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