Up too late, down too low

2004-11-23 - 3:38 a.m.

Up too late tonight. Plagued by a sudden wave of insecurity. I say "sudden", but really it's been lingering for, oh, about a billion years or so.

I'm just not calling people. I'm not leaving the house. I don't really want to leave the house.

There was a rugby-ish thing tonight, just the executive people, and I mentioned that it was the first time I'd been out of the house in days and everyone looked at me like I was ill or something.

Is it seriously that uncommon to stay inside for three days straight?

Okay, I type it and it does sound kind of not healthy-ish.

But, without work to go to, and without any money at all, why would I leave the house? The only thing I could do is walk around and interract with people, probably strangers.

One of the rugby guys made me swear that I would leave the house every night this week. I promised, with no idea if I intended to keep the promise. I'll probably try.

I've been having the usual "why am I so weird?!" self-pity fests lately. If I'm to be completely honest, I'm probably a lot more fragile than I ought to be right now.

I'm going on the premise that if I'm not breaking down and crying all the time, I'm probably okay. That's not the healthiest of premises, I bet.

I'm letting a lot of things slide, in a lot of areas of my life, and I can't stop it. It's driving me crazy. I could punch myself, sometimes, with how frustrating it is to know exactly what I'm supposed to do and then...not do it. It's not even like I'm afraid. I sometimes loathe the "phobia" distinction on so many of these anziety disorders (or whatever), because when the block is that big, it's not even related to fear. It's just this...big giant thing in my head that lets me watch but not join in. "Big giant thing" was brought to you by NaNoWriMo, consumer of all the good words in November.

Buy Nothing Day is coming up (or has passed? Who knows? I don't: I live in a world where calenders have no meaning!). In traditional The Magus fashion, I will celebrate Buy Nothing Day by being poor and unable to buy anything.

I've also given up on semi-colons. Being depressed and unemployed and behind on your stupid novel makes it dificult to care much about punctuation milestones.

I guess I kind of stop making sense this late. I wonder if my next job can be another midnight one. I'm wistful for the late nights: they make being antisocial so much easier.

Cheers,

The Magus

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