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I Have Agoraphobia! See my Agoraphobia!

Tenacious D Rocks.

Identity

2004-09-17 - 11:58 a.m.

Everyone keeps telling me that rugby is addictive and will change my life forever. There's a chance they might actually be right.

I've been watching my My So-Called Life DVDs, and there's a phrase in the pilot where Angela says something about how everyone sort of expects you to be a certain "you", and that you have to play along, and that phrase has always resonated with me.

I spent about 26 years of my life not being involved in sports or athletics very much at all. In school, as soon as gym became an elective I was out of there, and it seemed pretty evident that I was supposed to be one of the geeks. I settled (gladly, actually) into the role of the smart one. People who knew me better might have thought of me as a writer, or a brain, or a guy with a weird and often not-funny sense of humour (maybe: for some reason, I still have no clue how I appear(ed) to others...Blind Merv, one day would you mind sharing your first impressions with me?), but I was definitely not a jock.

As an adult, my geekiness sort of evolved into a sort of naivite. At the bar I went to, I was the youngest one, the shy intellectual who had a lot to learn. A nice guy who probably needed a mentor or something. I was cynical, but it was a very wide-eyed cynicism, if that makes sense. I was the kind of guy who expected nothing from the Powers That Be, because they were corrupt, but who still believed that everyone was redeemable, that there was something good in everything.

When I moved to Toronto, part of the reason why I was looking forward to it was because I would be able to shed part of my old identity. I felt like I'd grown out of the naive youth archetype, the geek, the fool, the shy one. I wanted to be different. Still me, but let's drop the "aw shucks" bit.

It didn't quite happen that way, and I sort of fell into the "weird, shy guy" behaviours...

This last year, with all the sports and whatnot, has been a bit of an experiment with identity. I figured that since I spent so much of my time wishing I was more athletic, or that I'd been assigned some different role when I was younger, that maybe I could do something about it. Why not watch a full season of hockey and football? Why not start doing things as if I already was the kind of person I wanted to be?

I wonder how the people who've known me for years feel when I suddenly bring up a hockey game, or announce that I'm playing a rough sport. It's a complete turn-around from who I was, once upon a time. You could have bet money on my not knowing anything about the NHL or whatever, that any conversation that turned to sports would not have me participating. I worry that maybe, because I seem to be a different person sometimes, that the people I care about might not like me anymore. I worry that I bore them, sometimes. I feel a tension, at least in my head, as if there's a rule about being different from who you were, and I'm breaking it.

But there's a flip side to it, too. I still feel very much like "me". I still make bad jokes, I still have anxiety, I still do Magus-y things, sometimes to hilarious ends...but I also have something new. I've taken a few chances and have given myself the opportunity to experience a part of life that I've always been a little bit envious of. And I'm enjoying it.

I've learned that maybe you really can do anything you want, and the only thing that really stands in my way is luck. In the last year, I've experienced some completely new joys, I've developed hobbies that bring me pleasure, I've met new people and have learned new skills, and I feel like a bigger person. The old Magus is still here, I haven't lost anything I had before, not really. The world is a wider place for me, now.

So, 2004 was the Year of the Sports, and I'm deeming it a success.

I want to try this again, though. There's something really amazing about wading into an unknown realm and learning new things. I've decided that 2005 should be the Year of the Music for me. I've started making notes of music that I like, with the idea that as next year progresses, I'll become familiar with my musical tastes. I'll learn what I like and what I don't, and I'll try to become comfortable with musical culture. By the end of next year, maybe I'll have a respectable collection of CDs, and maybe when someone asks me what music I like, I won't have to mutter some excuse about being deaf, like Mozart. I'll be able to share music with people, and maybe - just as with sports this year - I'll find some new and unexpected pleasures along the way.

I like the idea of learning and changing, of directing my life, of deciding what role I play, rather than waiting for others to tell me. I also can't wait until next year's 10 year reunion when I show up and tell everyone that not only am I an editor and writer, but I also play rugby and listen to really, really hip music (because I'm sure my musical tastes will be impeccable).

Cheers,

The Magus

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