Responsible Me.

2004-09-06 - 5:48 p.m.

I think I have a new emotion, which comes as something of a shock. Maybe "emotion" isn't the right word for it..."state of being" perhaps?

The best word I can think of is "lucidity". It comes partly, I think, from not drinking, and partly from just generally trying to get my act together. It's this awareness of what I need to get done, without all the panic and dread that usually surrounds my "(Oh shit) I need to get this done!!!" state-of-mind. I'm now aware of just how much work I need to do to maintain a standard of life. I know that if I get the dishes done, change the cat litter, sweep the floor...I can go to bed without a sense of leaving my life unfinished.

I feel more in tune with myself as an autonomous being. I know that I'll stumble and sometimes be depressed, and there isn;t much I can do about it...but I've become a little more aware of that moment in depression where the lethargy and fear and "badness" stops being because of the depression and starts being because of inaction. There's a moment, I think, where the reason you're depressed isn't because of bad chemicals or a series of tragic events, but is more due to the choices you made while depressed. Am I feeling lonely because I'm depressed or am I feeling lonely because I spent the last four weeks not talking to anyone and so now no one is calling me?

This is the first time in my life that I've been able to see that distinction, and to see it clearly. It's a great distinction, because it means that I have the ability to come out of depression...so long as I can see that moment, and then start changing the decisions I make to reflect that...

In 3 weeks I'll have been sober for a year. (For some reason, typing that sentence made my heart ache) I'm a completely different person, I think. It's impossible to tell, and I don't think the differences are giant...old me and new me would probably be indistinguishable to most folks. I'm not sure all the changes are good (to be filed in the "I want to write an entry but probably won't" bin: an entry on whether or not I'm calcifying in my beliefs and becoming less able to change my mind when I need to), but I feel like I've gained (or regained?) a sense of perspective. I see that I can get upset over relatively minor things, that sometimes I'm seeing things through an inappropriate lens, that I have a tendancy to be passionately, ferociously wrong. I think that I have the ability to improve myself here...

I've lost the conclusion of this entry. I think I originally wanted to say something about being amazed that I do the dishes quite often and that I've started the habit of flossing every night.

I think I don't want the 17-year-old version of me to be disappointed in the 27-year-old one. I'm not sure if he would be. I'm equally unsure if it matters. It would have mattered 10 years ago.

Cheers,

The Magus

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