Small Things

2004-06-15 - 11:34 a.m.

I was going to write an entry about how I've been feeling assailed, lately. Just a bunch of small, niggling annoyances that have happened to come at a time when I'm feeling more anxious, on average, than usual. The final straw would have been at the gym this morning when someone told me that I smelled bad. It was true, and it was because I haven't had the cash for laundry, and was using some rank-smelling gym clothes, but I think there are few things worse than being told you smell bad while you're in a public space and hadn't planned to leave that space for a little while. This came on top of some issues with my neighbour below who says that my cats have been keeping him awake for half a year (which is odd, since they've been a part of my household for a total of just over 3 months...perhaps my cats are psychic), and my landlady saying that my apartment smells (also true because the boys are now in puberty and are spraying everywhere. Yuck.) All these little things, all these little social interactions that have been feeling like tiny insects biting at me a piece at a time. This morning, while I showered, I seriously contemplated not showing up at work, not calling in sick or anything, and just going AWOL from life. It was pretty bleak, and certainly not the state of a healthy mind.

The thing about small things, though, is that they work both ways, at least for me. They can destroy me, but then...

Yahoo!mail, for instance, has suddenly added a bunch more space and features to prepare for the googlemail threat, so now my inbox, which was at 70% capacity is now at, like, 4%.

And then just now a co-worker, who lives across the hall from me, informed me that she has a rug she wants to sell, which is going to save me a long trip to buy a new rug (I need it to help muffle the rambunctious kittens), pretty much cutting today's afterwork duties in half, because now I don't have to walk halfway across town.

And suddenly, I don't feel under siege any more. Two little things, along with a few small, pleasant exchanges with some co-workers I like, and I'm somehow "better," at least for the time being.

I get angry and frustrated when I feel closed in and attacked by the world (which certainly isn't attacking me intentionally, or at least not me alone)...I'm aware it's irrational and wrong (incidently, I've self-diagnosed, possibly correctly, my psychological disorder (doesn't everyone have one? Isn't it the fashion these days? Or have I missed that fad?), which I'll discuss in a later entry, probably), and that increases the frustration.

But there's something so wonderful and elegant about how small things have the ability to destroy all that, how the smallest things, the most minor of incidents can lift you out of the darkest places, sometimes.

I'm also writing more frequently, which can only be a good thing.

Cheers,

The Magus

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