Temporary Failure

2002-11-12 - 5:38 a.m.

Okay, third time's the charm.

So, Friday I drank again.

I think I did it so that I could test myself, and find out if this not drinking thing was really supposed to be a temporary thing or if I had to think about it in the long term.

I thought about it, hard, for all of two minutes. I wanted to know if I could enjoy -a- glass of wine, if I could be mature about alcohol when it counted.

I had intended to have two glasses of wine. Pookie and I would share a small bottle that we had bought for the October Gathering but hadn't drunk. When I took the first sip, I had to pause, because it felt wrong. It felt like I was failing at something.

That feeling didn't go away, as I finished the first glass, then the second. It didn't go away as I sent Pookie out to the store to get us some more wine, using some of our savings. It didn't go away as I realised that my tolerance had gone down after only a week.

Near the end of the evening, I just went into the bathroom and sat on the floor, not sure what I had done, not sure how two glasses had become two large bottles.

There were no histrionics, Pookie and I didn't get into a fight, we didn't order food, we didn't go out. By my older standards, it would have been a good night: we only spent money on the bottles and nothing else! We didn't fight! Success! More proof that we can drink responsibly!

But the thing is, somewhere between that first sip and that last bottle, I lost control.

There are too many similarities to when I was smoking. No one ever held a gun to my head and made me pick up a cigarette, or the second, or the third. I had no one to blame for starting again except for myself. But every time I had one cigarette, I would have a second. I think that with alcohol there will always be a powerful risk that one sip will lead to more.

I just deleted half a paragraph about how I don't have a big problem with drinking, but I got halfway through and realised it was wrong. I would not be in debt right now if it weren't for alcohol. I might be in contact with one or two friends if I had not stood them up so I could drink at home. I might have been published by now if I hadn't been hungover all those times.

So, I'm looking at this entry, and realising that I'm admitting some stuff that I don't really want to own up to. There's a stigma attached to it, a shame. I can not control myself under certain circumstances, and I have no reason to believe that I ever will be able to under those circumstances.

Gah. What a morose entry. What a lousy way to end a weekend. I'm still putting off saying that I know I need to give up booze completely and probably forever. I still half want to delete this entry and pretend it never happened...but if I did that, I'd be betraying whatever noble intentions (a very few) I had in taking that first sip of wine on Friday.

So, here's to abstinance...(hee. I made a joke!),

Cheers,

The Magus

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