Decisions

2002-10-21 - 8:50 a.m.

The other day, when I told Pookie that I wasn't going to drink anymore, he said he was impressed, because apparently when I say some things, it means that I'm actually going to do them. I wasn't sure how he came to this opinion, because I say I'll do a lot of things and then I don't. You just need to look at some of my entries to know this is true: I have no puppy, we haven't moved to an amazing apartment, we haven't painted this one.

But then I started thinking about the things that I -have- done. I quit smoking, I've gone to the gym 10 weeks in a row, I went to Ottawa on a protest...all three of those things are big deals, and are real accomplishments that I wasn't sure I'd be able to do. In a lot of ways, they're bigger than the things I haven't done.

So, I'm a little curious about how things will turn out with the drinking. Will it be a part of the first group, well-intentioned but never realized? Or a part of the second?

I don't think that drinking, either for Pookie or me, is an addiction, but I -do- think that it's a problem, and that we've both shown that at this point in our lives we can't treat alcohol the way it should be treated. Binge drinking every weekend isn't healthy, either in the physical or in the emotional sense. I don't think either of us are very good at stopping at one or two drinks, and I've noticed that we've used each other to circumvent sobriety at one point or another.

There's a part of me that thinks it isn't me that has the biggest problem, though if I think about it, I'm definitely not a saint about alcohol.

I also know that it will be much harder if one of us decides to not give up drinking. I'm decided about this and have given myself an "until saint patrick's day" missive, with a commitment to renew. I want to see what my life can be like without spending hundreds of dollars a month on drinks and bottles, what things are like when I have the whole weekend, sleeping in because I want to, not because I feel like if I move I'll vomit.

Other changes in my life have been for the better. I'm healthier because of the no-smoking and the gyming, and feel better about myself. I'm proud of myself for risking large amounts of people in Ottawa. Those were all steps toward becoming the person I want to be, those were accomplishments that I can remember with pride.

I hope to make that list of things I've done longer.

Cheers,

The Magus

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