Anxiety returns

2002-06-15 - 9:24 a.m.

And this is the other entry, the other side of what I'm feeling, the oh-shit-I'm-gonna-have-to-meet-new-people-and-be-in-crowds-and-stuff part.

My anxiety level has stepped up a notch. I'm probably not going to be a very happy person to live with the next few weeks. Lucky for Pookie he works all the time. Heh.

It's all the usual stuff, the anticipation of being an idiot, of losing control of my faculties, of muttering incomprehensibly while stranger gawk...

I hate feeling like this, especially when the protests can be such a constructive thing, it'll be good for me in the long run, right?

It doesn't stop this tightness in my chest or the self-loathing/self-doubting buzz in my head.

It's a quiet buzz, but I wanted to go to something tonight, to meet people, watch a discussion on something...but already I'm hoping something will come up, something will force me to not go...and it doesn't even have to be a big something...if the cat chokes up a hariball and looks a little green, that might do it. I'm afraid that even if I leave the house, I'll end up just walking by the building, or walking in, looking around, and leaving, or just sitting by myself in a dark corner and not talking to anyone, which would completely defeat the primary reason for going out anyway.

Argh. I gotta go, right? If I'm gonna do this, I gotta go. And it's not fair to me to stop doing things I want to do just so I can be comfortable.

I'm gonna go back to bed.

Cheers,

The Magus

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